A fun guide to handling heartbreak (told by Cheok and FJ)

12 Aug
Just something we decided to do cause we’re so bored and want something to do besides uni work. haha Enjoy! (:
ps: for those who don’t know, I’m FJ haha. (Female James, cause my brother is called James and calling me Female James is just one name less to remember)


Chapter 1

Cheok:

So you have broken up. Break out the tissues, alcohol, cigarettes and porn. Grieving is a natural reaction all humans have built into their systems. Don’t fear it! I say embrace it damn it! There is no shame in getting drunk, crying and hitting on ugly members of the opposite sex or other inanimate objects.

In this chapter we will look at the initial post-breakup phase. You will hear the usual encouraging phrases from friends like, ‘you’re better off dude, she is a bitch’ or ‘it is probably for the best’. Unless you have no friends at all. Then I say to you now that the problem goes a lot deeper and you should seriously get professional help. While phrases like these may have more than a grain of truth in them, who the fuck needs to hear it at that time? You don’t need to know the woman is a bitch till much later (you still want her back at this point!), when most if not all the pain is gone.

The first step to any successful recovery plan (which is fun) is to surround yourself with all types of distractions. This is nothing new. Plenty of self-help books will tell you this. Surround yourself with friends and keep yourself busy. All very good advice, to be sure. But where’s the fun in that? Distractions should come in the form of women, dangerous mixes of drinks and Pilates classes (women).

Women. Well-meaning friends will do their best to tell you that rebound girls are not the way to go. It is all fleeting! You should dump these friends as quickly as is humanly possible! Of course it is fleeting! Of course the feeling will not last! If you were expecting something else, stop reading now! Just go out and meet women! If you cannot get it out of your head that you might not be ready, and that you might fall for them, fear not! That is what strippers and hookers were put on the planet for! You go and meet them, fondle and do whatever else to them, and it is over. You need never worry that they will come looking for you or accuse you of playing with their feelings. A win-win situation!

Dangerous mixes of alcohol. You are probably wondering how this helps. Well allow me to explain! Mixing alcohol in indiscriminate and irresponsible ways ensures that you can break out of your shell and be someone else. I mean, obviously you were not very fun to be around, hence the breakup. So drink up! And let the good times roll. Two things can happen. You go from a quiet, stammering little dweeb to a chatty Lothario and you become the life of the party. Good things will always happen from such an outcome. The other is that you wind up a puking, sobbing mess or attempt to debate atomic physics with a toilet door. ‘How is this good for me?’ you may be inclined to ask. This will show the people around you that even in times of extreme sadness you would still selflessly ensure that your friends are provided with laughter, and you may end up on YouTube and be famous!

Pilates classes. This is a great way to meet women. Competition is minimal, half of them would look decent, and they would be very turned on by the fact that you would shun your ego and attend! Plus, after all the excesses of gluttony and alcoholism, you probably don’t look so great, and this would make you more attractive, which you need to be if you want to meet more women!

FJ:

Picture this: 2.5litres tub of full fat vanilla ice cream, blocks and blocks of MILK chocolate, hot chocolate with marshmallows, slouching on the couch watching soppy movies, with a box of tissue sitting next to an empty box. Any of these sound familiar? Heartbreak. Who hasn’t been through the pain and the agony? Why add on the extra pounds to your beautiful body in such a harsh manner? Bring out the gin, tequila and vodka with the mixers. Now, this I say is the way to handle a breakup. Who says girls have to handle it in an emotional way? Hell no! Who am I kidding? I own up to doing the first few things mentioned above. That’s why I can tell you that I’d rather be drinking my pain away.

So what exactly should you do to handle the heartache and if you’re about to fall into depression? Take out the Filofax that you’ve put aside and start filling up things to do every hour of every day. Instead of locking yourself in your room and lying in bed all day, HEAD OUT! Meet up with your friends and head to a club (clean or dirty, that’s totally up to you, no one is judging here) and start dancing and drinking your blues away. Trust me, the calories you pack when you drink is hardly worse than the ice cream and chocolate you intended to consume back home. Plus, it’s mostly liquid anyway, so you’ll have it out if not that very night, the next morning. How good does that sound now? I say, awesome! While being out with your friends, or strangers for some, avoid even thinking about what had happened. Switch off your mobile phones and just let go of yourself. Drink enough to be able to bring yourself home or if you like some company, pretend that can’t walk straight and viola! You’ve got yourself someone to depend on for that night.

After a week or so of drinking and partying, it’s now time to pamper yourself. Make yourself feel pretty and good. Go for the full works: spa manicure and pedicure, a new haircut, facial, hot stone massage, mud wrap and anything else you can think of that would make you happy. Go all out, you have no one else to spend on, so why not spend on yourself? You didn’t get a chance to do all these while you were with someone, so do it now when you have the chance! Nothing to feel sad about now is there? Absolutely NOT!

Now that you’ve “cleansed” the insides, and beautify the outside, it’s now time to doll yourself up! Head to the shopping malls and just shop till you drop! Buy things that you wanted to get, but was hoping to receive it as gifts. Don’t stop at one; just keep going! Shop alone if you desire, or if you’re like me, arrange a shopping spree with your closest friends and just have a great time out together. Don’t forget to stop for high tea at the nearest hotel and indulge in all the good food and beautiful selection of dessert they have to offer. Don’t think twice about the calorie content, you can always deal with it later. Just eat what your heart desires. Cause you deserve it. You really do.

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18 Responses to “A fun guide to handling heartbreak (told by Cheok and FJ)”

  1. lolitapop August 12, 2009 at 4:38 am #

    cheok: i am very suspicious of the men in my pilates class, unless they are gay! *gives you The Look*
    lianne: i break up the way you advise! 😀 esp the shopping with nary a care bit. good stuff!
    what’s the next chapter? ‘how to get back at your ex’?or ‘creating the perfect first meet-up post break-up’ these are some tough topics! 😉

    • liannelow August 12, 2009 at 4:44 am #

      hahaha (: im glad u do what I think is the right way for girls to get over the pain. hahaha. phew. was afraid people would be against what i say!
      and it’s true! most guys who do pilates are gay. haha rather. the instructors are! haha oops. but well. it is a good way to meet women! haha
      the next chapter.. hmm. haha must ask cheok! cos he starts it and I follow up! haha so stay tuned babe!

    • liannelow August 12, 2009 at 4:44 am #

      hahaha (: im glad u do what I think is the right way for girls to get over the pain. hahaha. phew. was afraid people would be against what i say!
      and it’s true! most guys who do pilates are gay. haha rather. the instructors are! haha oops. but well. it is a good way to meet women! haha
      the next chapter.. hmm. haha must ask cheok! cos he starts it and I follow up! haha so stay tuned babe!

    • smellyprincess August 12, 2009 at 7:58 am #

      i don’t care pui beng! i will go and terrorise them at pilates all the same!
      i have no idea what the next chapter is. how about, ‘blind dates: the pitfalls’?

      • liannelow August 12, 2009 at 8:00 am #

        hhaha but i know nothing about blind dates! haha

      • liannelow August 12, 2009 at 8:00 am #

        hhaha but i know nothing about blind dates! haha

    • smellyprincess August 12, 2009 at 7:58 am #

      i don’t care pui beng! i will go and terrorise them at pilates all the same!
      i have no idea what the next chapter is. how about, ‘blind dates: the pitfalls’?

  2. lolitapop August 12, 2009 at 4:38 am #

    cheok: i am very suspicious of the men in my pilates class, unless they are gay! *gives you The Look*
    lianne: i break up the way you advise! 😀 esp the shopping with nary a care bit. good stuff!
    what’s the next chapter? ‘how to get back at your ex’?or ‘creating the perfect first meet-up post break-up’ these are some tough topics! 😉

  3. lolitapop August 12, 2009 at 4:38 am #

    cheok: i am very suspicious of the men in my pilates class, unless they are gay! *gives you The Look*
    lianne: i break up the way you advise! 😀 esp the shopping with nary a care bit. good stuff!
    what’s the next chapter? ‘how to get back at your ex’?or ‘creating the perfect first meet-up post break-up’ these are some tough topics! 😉

  4. ryung_ppagi August 12, 2009 at 3:14 pm #

    I am so going to use this for my monologue EXAM! Hahahahah! Thank you!

    • liannelow August 12, 2009 at 11:17 pm #

      haha no worries! (: hope it helps! haha

    • liannelow August 12, 2009 at 11:17 pm #

      haha no worries! (: hope it helps! haha

  5. ryung_ppagi August 12, 2009 at 3:14 pm #

    I am so going to use this for my monologue EXAM! Hahahahah! Thank you!

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